“Don’t Call Trans People ‘Brave’,” Really?
Alright, but the arguments aren’t strong in my opinion, and they risk alienating allies
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
[Chu News – Life, Prejudice / Mark Chu] Last week while I was preparing the article about the prejudice against transgender people, I came across this site about how to be an ally. One section in it is “Avoid backhanded compliments and ‘helpful’ tips,” and it offers many good examples of things NOT to say to trans people, such as
“I would have never known you were transgender. You look so pretty,”
“You look just like a real woman,”
Or these worse ones,
“You’d pass so much better if you wore less/more make-up, had a better wig, etc.,”
“Have you considered a voice coach?”
It’s not too hard to imagine why these comments “can be hurtful or even insulting,” as the site suggests.
But among the examples, one surprised me: “You’re so brave.” Yes, saying that to a trans person is insensitive, according to this site. I looked for explanations but didn’t find any, and that was disappointing. This phrase, to most non-trans people, is as supportive as it can be, if it’s not appropriate then we need to be educated.
Couldn’t find a good reason here, I Googled it. The first result I got was this article. Authored by a transgender person herself, she recounted an experience at work where someone she didn’t know well complimented her “You’re so brave.” That made her uncomfortable; upset even. Of course, I thought; there are many things we’ve said with good intentions but mean differently in others’ ears. After all, we’re not the stigmatized members, we have no idea what they’re going through every day, and therefore we need to learn. So I read on, let’s see why.
But after reading the whole thing, I didn’t find a strong argument that was convincing enough in my opinion.
Let me try to summarize her points first.
First, she explained, “Lumping all trans people together under the label of ‘brave’ is easier than speaking the truth: being trans is dangerous and difficult, and cis people often don’t support us through that danger and difficulty… acknowledging it would call upon cis people to step up and fight to make the world a better place for trans people.”
She further says,
Calling all trans people brave removes responsibility and agency from that cis person to work as a supportive and active ally… [it] removes any culpability cis people hold for perpetuating that hardship. Rather than calling a trans person brave, why not join the push for better representation of trans identities in media? Or join the calls to end healthcare discrimination for trans people? Rather than calling a trans person brave, why not join the demand to protect trans people from employment discrimination?
In other words, I believe what she is saying is that it’s just a quick, easy label that cis people give trans people without doing the more important work; cis people call them brave and that frees them from the true responsibilities of being an ally.
Second, she acknowledges that calling trans people brave is intended to be a compliment, a way to express admiration and support, but she points out that it can unwittingly imply that “Being trans is fundamentally different, and implicitly lesser, than the experience of being cis.”
Third, calling transgender people brave is “Distancing the person saying it from the experience of being trans.” She says, “It’s often followed by, ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through,’ Or, even worse, ‘I could never do what you’re doing.’” The problem is a lack of imagination. I believe she’s trying to tell people to find more genuine, creative ways to show appreciation.
Finally, not all trans people experience the same hardship, so calling every trans person brave diminishes the effort of those who have fought the hardest.
The Potential Problems
Here are my concerns about the arguments. Of course, as a cis heterosexual person, I surely have a lot to learn, and I’m more than willing to be a faithful ally; my views most likely aren’t perfect (no one’s is).
About the first point, “Instead of calling transgender people brave, why not do the more critical work?” I see two potential problems: first, why can’t people do both? And second, more importantly, how do you know they are NOT doing it? How can you assume the woman who smiled at you while saying “You’re brave” isn’t an active ally who joined in a parade demanding policy changes last month? Or had just written an article to support a better representation of trans people in media a week before? Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t, but assuming someone is a certain way without knowing the person is potentially prejudiced.
Second, calling trans people brave implies being trans is “lesser.” I see it differently. Take Daphne Anne Caruana Galizia (née Vella; 26 August 1964 – 16 October 2017) as an example—her name is going down in history. She was a journalist who reported corruption in the Malta government, and for that she was assassinated by a car bomb. Will I call her brave? You bet I will. Will that in any way imply her being “lesser?” I don’t think so; it’s absurd. I’ve tried hard to see from the author’s view, and I think in some way she has a point, but when I call a trans person brave, I’m thinking about the courage of being true to oneself, fighting against the whole system, the culture, the deep-rooted prejudice. I’m not thinking about them being “less.”
Third, a lack of imagination probably is not the best, but it isn’t inappropriate, so blaming it on people might not be fair. Finally, indeed not all trans people are the same, but so are veterans who come back from wars. Or firefighters. Or journalists who dare to voice for people who don’t have a voice, and therefore offend many people in the process. Yet I think it’s okay to call all of them brave.
Besides these, this article has two more potential problems.
First, a quick story to make my point: I had a female student, and when I asked her what name she went by, she said Kate (not her real name). One day I said to her, “So not Catherine?”
“No,” she loudly said.
“Why not?” I was amused and curious by her protest.
“Because when I was a kid, whenever I got into trouble, my mom would call me ‘Catherine!’”
I nodded and smiled, “Got it.” Now I not only knew the reason, I knew what to avoid, and more importantly, what to call her instead.
Now, imagine I call her Catherine when we first meet, and she shoots back, “Don’t call me that!” without telling me what name she prefers. That won’t make sense, will it?
Yet this article doesn’t offer an alternative. Sure, we should join the work demanding equal rights, we should be an ally and all that, but when we want to show our admiration in daily conversation, or even just break the ice, what can we say?
Second, the phrase “You’re brave” in many cases isn’t only a compliment in social situations, it’s a conversation starter. By implying it to be inappropriate and ignorant, however, you stop the conversation. The potential consequence is people who want to be allies now being afraid to talk to you, feeling that they have to tiptoe around you like walking on thin ice: “What can I say to not offend her/him without knowing it?” Eventually they probably will opt to avoid contact. I don’t believe that’s what you want. The third argument: a lack of imagination, why would it be? Because they do not know trans people enough. But pointing fingers isn’t the best way to make them want to know you; instead, you risk the possibility of alienating them.
When “You’re Brave” Is Indeed Inappropriate
But yes, I also can think of at least a certain situation that calling a trans person or anyone “brave” is inappropriate. In the comments section where many readers chip in with their opinions, the author offers a TED talk by Stella Young, a disabled woman, and that talk makes the point obvious. Young recounts an experience that when she was 15, the local community approached her parents offering to nominate Young for “The Achievement Award.” Her parents replied, “That’s very nice… but she hasn’t actually achieved anything.”
The community wanted to give her an award for just being disabled. That’s a problem.
Applying to transgender people, if I know someone who is transgender in secret, and I call her/him “brave” without knowing anything about her/him, then that’s indeed not encouraging at all. Imagine calling me “brave” just for being an Asian man, uh… okay, but why? Awkward. Calling someone brave without a good reason isn’t a good thing.
This reminds me of an episode in the TV show, Loudermilk. The actor, Mat Fraser, has thalidomide-induced phocomelia, which makes his arms very short. In the show he plays an alcoholic, Roger, who regularly goes to this AA meeting. In this episode, Roger is awarded a prize for no obvious reason. In the ceremony he finally realizes that the award is just a token, so he says to the applauding audience, “I don’t deserve this… giving me an award just for being disabled is, unfortunately, designed only to make you feel good. Well, it makes me feel pretty lousy. Because it tells me how low your expectations are for me.”
Interestingly, his friend, a young woman, approaches him after the ceremony and says, “You know? Your speech is great, but some of it was bullshit… I get it, that no one should objectify anyone or give a disabled person an award just for making a sandwich. But what’s wrong with acknowledging someone who has to overcome a bit more adversity every day?”
“Well, yeah,” Roger nods, “but acknowledgment isn’t about getting awards. It’s about acceptance. And maybe a little help sometimes.”
They hug.
Giving us the TED talk clip, the author indeed makes the point rightfully. Though I’d like to say that the situation doesn’t apply in her case—cause the author already came out and is going through the observable transition; the woman at work calls her brave because of that, not merely because she’s transgender.
The Reactions from the Readers
I read all the comments below the article, and it was interesting. A few comments support the author, but many—I would say the majority—dispute her claim—and surprisingly, quite a few of them identify themselves as transgender people as well.
A reader comments,
Maybe those people who call Transgender people "brave" are trying to make a social connection, learn about it and start a social interaction by paying the transgender person one of the highest compliments that can be paid. I guess the moral of the article is to avoid all social contact with Trans people because whatever you say will be wrong and you will be hated for it.
For sure this isn’t the intended moral of the article, but it seems inevitable for readers to feel that way.
Here’s a comment addressing the same issue,
I think overall, believing in equality but still constantly being attacked for your vocabulary choices is alienating to those who have likely never met a trans person, and only know of the issue peripherally.
This reader expresses frustration,
I would like to have my good intentions accepted on their face, and not to worry if someone is going to mis-construe them… For now, I am learning to simply shut-up, and say nothing at all.
Another says,
You do realize, don't you, that the person who said this is doing two things that take a little courage themselves.
She is acknowledging who you are, and saying something that she thinks is affirming.
One reader talks about the word brave,
It's virtually the definition spelled out in the dictionary of brave to push through something "dangerous and difficult." … Yes. People hate you and want to kill you. Yes. You're living your lives anyway. You're pushing through it. Yes. You're brave. Yes. You deserve respect.
A trans person depicts a touching personal story,
I have a friend… the first time she saw me as 2.0 (Note: going through the transition), she said, "You know, it takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing." … I hemmed and hawed, and said, "Naaaaah, that's for firefighters and soldiers --"
"I never told you about my brother," she cut me off. "He was an airman. He was my only sibling. He was killed in the bombing in Saudi Arabia. (Khobar Towers). So I think I know a little something about courage."
I shut up. How do you rebut something like that?
I still feel a little uneasy when someone uses the c-word (Note: courage), or the b-word. But I don't complain -- I take it as the compliment it's meant to be. And I appreciate that the person who says it means it.
A trans person even uses some harsh words:
First, to hammer somebody who is genuinely attempting to compliment and support somebody is just plain sick. To somehow twist that into an inadvertent personal attack is even more sick.
I’m not sure I’ll use the word “sick,” but I obviously see the point.
Another trans person even clarifies that “Not all trans people think as she does. Her strident advocacy does us more harm than good.”
This trans person’s comment probably sums it all,
We as trans people need to move on too. We need to stop over thinking every reference and just get on with our lives as part of the mainstream. We have no right to dictate the way an individual person sees us - that's up to them. And if the worst thing anyone ever directs at you is a misplaced sentiment of support, you'll not have been too unfortunate.
Interestingly, the author in one comment replying to a reader seems to admit the potential problems: “You may be right in that I went a little too far. I hope I don't move through the world looking to be offended.” And to her credit, she also says to another reader, “You make a good point that a lot of people are simply trying to do the best with the language they know. I'm sorry I didn't touch upon that.”
No Longer Need to Be Brave
I have to admit: I personally have decided to not breathe the word brave to a trans person. In fact, I inevitably feel a little uneasy about what to say if/when I see a trans person: Will I do or say anything well intended to be taken the wrong way? Though I’ve also learned something insightful: Don’t call someone brave for no reason. That’s legit.
But I need to make it clear: I’m definitely not saying the author is “wrong” per se. Again, I have no way to know her struggles and obstacles in daily life. She wrote this article for a reason, and I need to respect that. I simply point out some potential negative consequences I see, and meanwhile I’m still striving to support people who are stigmatized. A comment from a reader says: “We (trans people) are winning the battle for trans equality and someday being trans will be of no remark and we will no longer need to be brave.... but we aren't there yet.”
Surely we together will work on the day to come.