We Rate How Offensive These 27 “What Not to Say to Asians” Things
While some are bad, others are actually not that offensive, at least to us
Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash
[Chu News – Life, Prejudice / Mark Chu] Words can be hurtful. Not only that, they can lead to dangerous actions. Some might admire people who don’t have a filter and praise them with things like “She’s genuine,” or “He says things as they are.” Well, one has to know the difference between honesty and bigotry. Unfortunately, many confuse the two. For example, calling immigrants thieves and rapists is bigotry, not facts; saying you can do anything you want to women, “Grab 'em by the pussy” is disgustingly sexist, not honesty.
On the other hand, however, I think we should understand that in many cases, in regular daily conversation, they don’t necessarily mean harm; they say what they say for many possible reasons, and it should be an opportunity for better understanding.
A quick introduction of our background. My wife and I came to America in our 20s for education; the plan was to go back once getting our degrees. Long story short, it took way longer than expected, and our three kids grew up here. Eventually we had to find a job and became permanent residents for our children. So my wife and I are immigrants who speak English as a second language, and our kids, age mid- to late 20s, are Asian Americans.
After the last two weeks’ discussion about prejudice against transgender people, I thought to myself, “Why not talk about how we feel regarding some potentially inappropriate things to say to Asians?” There are quite a few things you shouldn’t say (or do) to Asians, according to many sources. But guess what? I have to say that some of the “things” aren’t as offensive in my opinion, especially when I know the person who says or does it means no harm. In fact, I find some to be a good opportunity for a conversation, if the person is sincere.
But of course, my family definitely does NOT speak for all Asians—more specifically, Far East Asians like Taiwanese, Chinese, Japanese, etc. In fact, even among us, there are some different feelings toward certain comments or questions.
So, here let me present to you how we feel about the things that “Should not be said to Asians.” These things are from here, here, here, and my personal experience. Also, our ratings will be on a scale of 1 = not at all offensive to 9 = extremely offensive. I excluded things that are obviously racist or even hate crimes such as “Go back to your own country” or “Don’t bring your virus here.” Grow a brain if you say things like that.
And finally, because a person’s tone and intention can drastically change the meaning of the words, for example, “Thank you very much” can be a sincere gesture, a sarcastic remark, or even a putdown, here let’s assume that the people who say these things don’t mean harm (there are exceptions though, see below). They might be a little ignorant or don’t know better, but they are “sincere” when they make these comments or questions.
Again, a reminder: the “we” in the following ratings is my family of five, not the whole Asian community.
“Things Not to Say to Asians” and Our Ratings
1. Where are you from? Really?
This is probably the first, most typical “not to say” example. However, our average rating is merely 1.4. We agreed that people in general are just curious or excited to know where we are from and talk to us. In fact, my daughter said she asked other Asians this question. When people ask me this question, I volunteer the information, “I’m originally from Taiwan, but have been in the US for almost 30 years…”
Of course, any benign questions can become annoying if asked in the wrong way. For example, that’s all you care about, “Taiwan? Okay.” End of conversation. That kind of implies you just want to be sure we’re “Not American.” Or in a pushy way, like some in the media, “No, really, where are you from?” But I’ve never met anyone who does that.
All in all, as long as the question is sincere, we don’t mind.
2. I know someone from your country, the name is XXX, do you know her/him?
Of course we don’t, there are 23.6 million Taiwanese. But in general, we don’t mind too much; the average is 3. Everyone is sort of okay with it (between 1 and 3) except my oldest son, who gave a rating of 8. So guess some people can be annoyed by it.
Just a while ago my wife and I met this sweet old mister. He was very quiet, but then approached us and asked this question. We just smiled and said no, we don’t. Because the question was just a conversation starter; he just wanted to make a connection. Sure, it’s a bit silly, but we appreciated his effort very much and didn’t mind at all.
3. “You must be good at math” or “What’s 13432.23 times 2343?”
Our average is 4.8, still below the midpoint, but this can rub us the wrong way a bit; it’s moderately annoying. I personally don’t mind the first question that much but have problems with the second, this “What’s 13432.23 times 2343” thing; putting a positive stereotype on us is not exactly proper, but asking us a crazy math question is already teasing. Unless we’re close friends, you probably don’t want to do that.
4. “What kind of Asian are you?” or “Are you Chinese or Asian?”
First of all, Chinese are Asian, so if you say things like that, it shows your lack of knowledge. And “What kind of Asian” sounds a bit more like shopping for types of meat or something. But our average is only 2.8; it’s kind of rude, yes, but we’re more amused by how much you don’t know.
So no, even though we’re not that offended, we suggest you don’t ask questions like that. I personally think “What part of Asia are you from?” or “Which country are you from?” are relatively more proper if you know they’re immigrants.
5. Do you watch [insert anime here]?
Believe it or not, our average is 1. My daughter said, “I watch anime” while giving a rating of 0 (keep in mind the lowest possible is 1).
I personally don’t watch any anime, but as long as you don’t assume I should know that anime, I don’t understand why anyone would be offended by it. It’s just a question.
6. I love Asian Culture! I like Chinese food, and I’m thinking of becoming Buddhist.
The average is 2.4, but again my oldest rated it 7. As for me, I would rate it 0 if I could; I welcome the question! It’s a great chance to talk about my culture and have a good discussion. I’ll be curious why you want to be a Buddhist and would love to tell you all I know about the subject.
On the other hand, my daughter, though rated it 2, was a bit annoyed that people would dismiss her after they found out she grew up in the US; some even told her “You’re not real Asian,” which upset her. That’s not proper.
So I guess for Asian Americans, being assumed they know the culture and want to discuss it can be frustrating.
7. I’ve never hooked up with an Asian before.
The average is 5.6, but our responses to this question vary greatly. I gave it a 3, but not because I wasn’t offended, but because I didn’t know what to think—no one has ever said that to me and never will. On the other hand, my wife, my oldest, and my daughter were highly offended by it. My younger son gave it a 1, but that most likely was because he was on the autism spectrum (high functioning) and therefore didn’t really understand or care about sex and relationships.
I’d like to say this is not a proper comment; the average probably should be way higher.
8. You’re so exotic. I’m really attracted to Oriental women.
Now this is not good. The average is 6.6; if my autistic son is excluded it’s 8. Obviously it’s an offensive one; my wife commented “Creepy.” It seems to put Asian women in this stereotypical role of “submissive, docile, hard-working, and/or erotic,” and we don’t like it. Plus, if you get to know an Asian woman with that kind of expectation, you’ll gonna get an unpleasant surprise.
9. You’re hot…for an Asian.
This is one of the most offensive things you can say to us, averaging 7.4; do NOT say that. This is simply blatant prejudice. If you say that, we’ll just tell you to look in the mirror long and hard, then go f* yourself.
10. (If the Asian is adopted) Have you met your real parents?
We vary greatly on this one. The average is 5.4, but my autistic son and I rated 1 while the other three rated 8 or 9. My thought was it could be a genuine question, but my daughter commented that the topic could be upsetting, so you probably don’t want to bring it up, especially if you just meet. I can see her point, so I think it’s better not to ask that until you become good friends.
11. (If the Asian is adopted) How’d you get here? Did your parents put you in a box, throw some rice in there, and then float you down the Yangtze River?
This question is strange, likely a joke; I believe the author just wants to be funny, cause I highly suspect anyone will talk like that. And we wonder how many Americans actually know and care what the Yangtze River is.
Assuming it’s real, our average is 5.8. Asking “How’d you get here” is unnecessary and strange enough (What do you think an adoptee gets here?), adding that box in the river thing is just plain full of oneself.
12. Aren’t you supposed to be smart?
Another bad one; 7.4. My wife shot back, “I only need to be smarter than you.” My daughter has experienced that a lot, “They say it because they feel insecure and are bullying you to feel like they are smart. I hope they are okay.”
13. “Can you see as well as everyone else?” or insisting that we need to retake a picture because my eyes were closed.
The average is 6.6; my autistic son didn’t care, but this is quite offensive, at least to me. Even if it’s “just a joke,” it’s a very bad one. I’ve seen enough clowns who think they’re funny telling jokes that no one laughs. Interestingly, my daughter experienced that a lot when she was in high school, she herself started making jokes about her eyes kind of purposely making others uncomfortable.
Anyhow, it’s very improper, so don’t.
14. I don’t believe in interracial relationships.
Goodness, who asks you? The average is 6.8. Please do NOT “volunteer” this comment; seeing an Asian dating another of a different race and telling her/him that is just prejudice.
On the other hand, however, interracial relationships can indeed be potentially more challenging due to factors like different cultural backgrounds, values, communication styles, or even language barriers. But first, that’s their business, and second, we do see successful interracial relationships. So unless someone of a different culture forces you to marry her/him, keep your mouth shut.
15. Do you eat dogs?
This is considered moderately offensive: 5.2, but there’s a lot to unpack here.
First, I strongly support the banning of the practice. For example, it’s great to see South Korea passing the law banning dog eating (a lot of protests though). Emotionally, we see dogs and cats as friends and thus eating them is considered barbaric.
However, some argue, “Eating dogs is no worse than eating cows.” And that actually does have a point. Comedian Ricky Gervais claimed that dog eaters torture the dogs first like skin and boil them alive. I personally don’t know about that specific detail, maybe that’s true, and that’s disturbingly cruel. The good news is quite a few efforts have taken place to forbid the killing.
But if you eat meat, and if you eat a lot of it, then boy, do I have bad news for you: you’re not much better than dog or cat eaters. Because we do NOT treat animals such as pigs, cows, or chickens much better. On Ricky Gervais’s Twitter someone made that observation and said we should avoid eating animals, and he agreed.
Some argue, “But dogs are our friends! They naturally form bonds with humans!”
There is indeed research suggesting they naturally bond with us—yet if you assume cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, and other animals are puppets incapable of emotions and pain (as a psychologist, “emotion” in animals deserves another big essay, but let’s make it simple here), you’re just lying to yourself to justify eating them. Just as an example, take a look at the YouTube channel, the Dodo, you’ll be surprised by how much other animals resemble dogs and cats in bonding with humans. They’re pretty much no different from dogs as pets.
Eating animals is not the problem, the problem is treating them so inhumanely and eating excessively. These two problems feed each other: because of the ridiculously high demand, the industry manages the animals like goods instead of living creatures for profit.
So, come back to the comment: it’s offensive and prejudiced, yes. Meanwhile, if you eat a lot of meat, and you never even care about these animals’ welfare, check yourself too.
16. What’s your real name?
Our situation is different, because three out of five of us do have an unofficial English name we go by. The average is 1.8. When people ask me this question, I’m not offended at all; on the contrary, I appreciate their effort to get to know me. But I’d be a bit dismayed cause my name can be a bit hard to explain. Plus, I’m so used to the English name I go by that I unconsciously ignore other names. Once a student called me from a distance, screaming several times, “Dr. Chu! Dr. Chu!” I honestly didn’t hear her. Finally she called, “Mark!” And I reacted. The same thing happened when Americans tried to call me by my real name.
My oldest gave it a 5, but I think it’s probably because his real name is even harder to explain than mine; it’s very hard for many Americans to pronounce.
17. Your English is really good.
The average is 3.2, but there’s a big discrepancy: my wife and I rated 1, while my daughter and my oldest rated 5 and 8. My wife and I are immigrants, so we’ll be thrilled if people say that to us, that’s a big compliment. But for my kids who grew up in the US, and their English is way above the average, they see it as an offensive remark.
18. “You are really cool for an Asian” or “You aren’t like other Asians”
This is similar to the “You’re hot for an Asian” comment, though for some reason the offensive level is lower. The average is 5.4. If you say that, I guess chances are you don’t know a lot of Asians.
No, if you ask me, don’t make this comment.
19. You look like [an Asian celebrity].
Unless you’re talking about an extremely offensive character like Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast at Tiffany's (which is not portrayed by an Asian actor), we don’t mind that much: 1.6. In fact, we probably will be flattered if the celebrity is attractive, like Gemma Chan or Steven Yeun.
Probably it’s just me, I’m not exactly sure why people find it offensive.
20. Are you really good at ping-pong?
Low level: 2.4. My oldest rated it 7 and said, “I might be less offended if I was :(” But even the others who don’t play rated it 1 or 2. I do play, and I’m not bothered. In general, if it’s a sincere question, I don’t see a problem.
21. Do you understand other Asian languages?
Very low level of offense: 1.6. As long as you don’t assume I should know, I can’t see why it’s offensive in any way.
22. “Are your parents strict?” or “Do you get in trouble if you don’t get straight A’s?”
My kids gave higher offense ratings, like 4 to 6, cause it could be personal. But in general it’s not too bad: 2.6.
23. Can you only date boys/girls from your own culture?
Low level of offense: 2, as long as it’s asked sincerely. Though my daughter recounted in high school some people told her to date a black student because they thought she should not date white people. Now that’s offensive.
24. Do you know kung fu?
Haha, it might be a bit annoying, but okay: 2.8, as long as you don’t follow up our answers “No” by saying, “Wut? How come? Aren’t Asians supposed to know that?!” Though my daughter found this question a bit irritating and said, “Makes me want to kung fu their ass.”
25. You’re so brave/amazing. I can’t imagine coming to a foreign country for a higher degree in a different language.
This is my personal experience, so let me give my rating: 0. I sincerely appreciate the compliment; it indeed takes some courage to do that so I thank people for calling me brave on this one.
26. (After saying a difficult English word) I bet you don’t know what it means.
I hope you can see how offensive this is. The average is 7.4, but I personally feel it should be 10. It sort of happened when I was a Ph.D. student, though the situation was quite ambiguous.
Do NOT say anything remotely like this; don’t be a smart ass. I can think of other insults to you that are real that you don’t want to hear.
27. Constantly laugh at our English or talk to us very slowly like we’re children
Yeah, I guess I don’t need to give you a rating. This is, of course, the problem only for my wife and me, cause I don’t know if anyone dares to laugh at my kids’ English, they’re significantly above average.
But here’s a tricky part: while my wife and I don’t appreciate being mocked or treated like children, we do hope you correct our mistakes. Let me give you some examples.
When I was in college I worked at a restaurant, and there was this girl who quite often laughed at my English; not my pronunciation, but the word choices. One day in a meeting, I said something like “this high-class restaurant,” and she laughed again. I asked, “Don’t people say that?”
“No,” she frowned and laughed.
“Then what do they say?”
She didn’t give me an answer.
Finally I had enough, I went to her with a sarcastic tone: “Thank you very much.” Her face totally changed.
When I was a Ph.D. student, one day I met my mentor at school, and he greeted me, “How are you?”
“Oh, okay, but…” I started telling him my personal story. That’s what we do back in Taiwan.
After patiently listening to my ranting, he said with a smile, “You know, when people ask ‘how are you,’ it’s just a formality, no need to tell people your story.”
I sincerely appreciated his honesty; it was what I needed to know about the language and culture.
If that girl could politely correct me with a better word, “You mean XXX” without the taunting laugh I would appreciate it significantly more.
The Bottom Line
There are some comments you should never say understand any circumstances for sure, of course. But in our opinion, some of the comments/questions here aren’t that of a big deal. But that can vary because our situations are different. However, if you ask me, in most cases, your intention is the key. We welcome people to start a conversation with us, it should be an opportunity for better relationships and communication.
Prejudice is EVERYWHERE. Anyone, no matter what your background, skin color, sexual orientation, identity, income, or body shape… is, can potentially become the target of prejudice. In fact, I want to say pretty much everyone can generate a list like this. Therefore, what we need is more empathy and acceptance. Instead of exclusion, the “us vs. them” mentality, let’s welcome people who are different from us.
Because deep down, we’re not that much different.